The Decision
by heartlandiansoisle
Summary: Picks up where 9x13, "Risky Business," left off. Cassandra's test is positive, but she doesn't want to go through with pregnancy. Warning: mentions of abortion
1. Chapter 1

_"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I mean, I'm not scared or anything like that. I just... I feel kind of numb. Please don't tell Caleb..."_

 _"No, of course not. I've heard that these tests aren't always a hundred percent accurate, so... maybe you should go see your doctor just to be sure."_

 _"Is it okay if I just sit here for a while?"_

 _"Do you want company?"_

 _"Yeah."_

* * *

Staring at the cutting board before her, Cassandra realized she had somehow been able to chop all the vegetables for the dish without even thinking about what she was doing. She wasn't really that hungry, not only because she kept feeling nauseous throughout the day due to this unexpected pregnancy but also because she knew she was keeping a secret from Caleb, and that was starting to make her sick too.

"Do you mind if I get a beer while I wait?" Caleb asked, already going for the fridge. He was hanging around in the kitchen even though he wasn't participating in the cooking as he still wanted to spend time with his girl while she was preparing his "welcome home" dinner.

Life on the circuit wasn't glorious, so even the little things like being able to open a cold one and putting his feet up while looking at his beautiful girlfriend was something Caleb always looked forward to more and more whenever he was getting closer to going back to Hudson. He loved being at home, but he wanted to be able to bring money into this relationship and a cowboy life was all he was any good at, so some sacrifices had to be made.

Cassandra didn't even register what he was saying as she was so preoccupied with her own thoughts. At first she had been thinking of keeping this whole thing a secret, but she could no longer take it, not now when she was expected to pretend like this wasn't bothering her in front of Caleb.

"Caleb..."

"I mean, it's okay if you don't want me to," Caleb quickly said, trying to avoid spoiling the mood as Cassandra probably had some good wine she wanted them to try instead of him going for the cheap beer. Having an argument wasn't what he wanted to have right away, so it was better to play along.

Cassandra continued to ignore what her boyfriend was saying as she had no idea what he was even talking about. "I need to tell you something."

"Okay." Caleb placed the beer back into the fridge and closed the door. "I'm listenin'."

Cassandra wasn't sure how she was going to tell him about her situation, so she just decided to tell it like it was. Bluntness had always been her way of delivering information anyway. "I'm pregnant."

"You're wha-AH!?" Caleb gasped, and as Cassandra examined his expression, her worst fear came to be; Caleb was smiling and not immediately rejecting the thought of them having a baby together. "Babe…" He walked closer, his voice softer and his hands going for her belly so he could cup it.

"No… no," she exclaimed. Cassandra forbid him to touch her stomach, quickly removing his hands from her. Caleb's expression soon changed too as he wasn't following and didn't understand why Cassandra suddenly closed in. "I'm not having any of that."

Caleb frowned. "But... why? This is good news, right?"

"No, it's not," Cassandra said, clearly upset, then turning away as she got emotional. This was what she had been dreading too: getting choked up when she was trying her best to be rational and tell him what she'd planned.

"What's wrong?" Caleb asked, immediately feeling the need to make everything all right for Cassandra. Sure, this wasn't planned, but it didn't mean that they couldn't make it work. Caleb had always dreamed about having kids and maybe it wasn't in his five-year plan, but he was willing to embrace the blessing they'd been given. "Is it because we're not married? Because I'll marry you, Cass. I'll propose to you now, if you want me to!"

He then got down on one knee and recited emotionally: "Cassandra Fay Lee, I may not have a ring with me now, as I wasn't expecting to propose to you tonight, but that doesn't mean–"

Cassandra turned around, staring at him furiously and then trying to pull him back to his feet. "Get up!"

"What? What do you want?!" Caleb wanted to know. He usually thought of himself good with the ladies, but Cassandra was definitely her own kind. She was hard to figure out, but maybe that had always been part of her appeal.

"I want an abortion!" Cassandra quickly replied. It wasn't how she had planned this to go, but at least Caleb now knew what she had in mind and why this was so hard for her to tell.

"Abortion...?" Caleb repeated. His tone was incredulous. "But why?"

Cassandra scoffed, fighting the tears. "Isn't it obvious? I'm not ready for this!"

"But isn't that what almost everyone thinks when they get news like this?" Caleb figured. "But they learn, and it'll be okay in the end. The way I see it, I don't think anyone can be ready for parenthood. Heck, I'm not, but I would sure as hell try my best!"

"You're not listening to me. I don't want it." Cassandra sighed out of frustration. "This is why I shouldn't have told you..."

Caleb couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Wait-you weren't going to tell me?"

"No, I wasn't," Cassandra admitted, and to Caleb, she didn't even seem ashamed of it. "Because ultimately, it's my decision."

"I'm the father! Don't I get any say in this?!" Caleb tried to breathe and calm himself as he didn't want to get upset even though this was important for him and he wanted Cassandra to realize that too. "Don't you think we should give it a few days? You're still processing this; you're not thinking clearly."

"I am," Cassandra said. "I know what I want." She then scoffed and shook her head. "You know what, I don't wanna talk about this. I've already made up my mind. I just wanted to tell you what's going to happen and why I'll feel crappy for the next few days."

"Next few days?" Caleb echoed. "Cass, you might end up regretting this, and then you'll feel crappy for the rest of your life! Have you thought about that?"

"Yes, I've thought about everything, trust me, I didn't make the decision lightly. God, you're such a-" Cassandra was looking for the right word as she made her way to the coat rack-"a guy!"

As she grabbed her coat and her purse, it was clear to Caleb that she was about to go somewhere. "Wait, where are you going?" Caleb asked, starting to panic. He didn't want to let her go, especially when he knew what she was planning. What if she came back and was done with it, and he was supposed to pretend that this had never happened?

"I'm staying over someplace else where you don't have to look at me or deal with my 'immoral decisions,'" Cassandra informed him, feeling hurt that he was trying to guilt-trip her; Caleb had no idea what this was like, and he didn't even make an attempt to try to understand her.

As the door slammed shut, Caleb was left alone with the smell of what could have been a nice dinner and bitterness. He didn't know how to deal with this, so he started pacing around the apartment, trying to process what he'd been told. First, Cassandra had told him he had a chance to become a father and then seconds later she was ready to take that opportunity away from him. There was no way around this. Caleb didn't know if this was something he was ready to forgive, but at the same time, he hadn't loved anyone like he loved Cassandra, not since Ashley.

He felt like he was back at square one, and that made him feel even worse. Why was it that whenever he had gotten his life somewhat together, something was about to destroy it?


	2. Chapter 2

Looking for a place to stay turned out to be difficult. For the time being, Cassandra decided to drive around, cool off, and see how she felt after that. She thought about going to a hotel, but she didn't feel like being alone because she already felt so lonely in this position she was in. People wouldn't understand; they wouldn't see it her way, she knew.

It was times like these she regretted moving in with Caleb. Before they'd decided to move in together, Cassandra had avoided hanging out at his trailer because it was just, well, gross. Thankfully Caleb hadn't minded coming over and spending nights at her place, and eventually the decision to move in there had come naturally.

Besides, what kind of life would they have led if they'd lived in a trailer? Not to mention, Caleb took the trailer with him on the circuit, so it wasn't like Cassandra could be homeless when he was away.

The point was, her apartment was no longer hers; it was theirs. And if there was a fight, one of them had to find a place to stay, and usually it was Caleb. He always had a place to crash as he knew people through the rodeo scene and because he'd lived at Hudson longer anyway. Meanwhile, Cassandra realized, she didn't really have friends.

If she wasn't busy with work, she was at home, trying to relax. That didn't leave her much time to socialize, and besides, her old school friends were now busy with their work as well. The only people she could call friends were Amy and Ty.

The only problem was, they were Caleb's friends too.

The fights she and Caleb had were often heated, but they were usually resolved in the morning, after a good night's sleep. But this time Cassandra figured things would be different.

She wanted to think that this would be just a rocky week for them, but truth be told, she couldn't say that with absolute certainty. Maybe Caleb would despise her for this, or maybe they would be okay for a while, avoiding talking about it and acting all fake, but as soon as they had another fight, it would surely come up.

Cassandra didn't know if she could live like that, but at the same time, she couldn't think of herself as a mother. She just couldn't. Some people weren't just cut out to be mothers, and she felt like one of them. No one could force her into it, but a relationship with someone made it harder as the other person's opinion was something she had to hear too.

There was a reason she was a vet and not a doctor for humans. She thought people were stupid, and there was only a handful of those who didn't drive her crazy all the time.

She didn't know if the reason why she got so angry at them was because she was somehow "too sensitive," as her mother had always said, or because people just were so stupid. Usually she tend to think the latter.

But tonight she didn't want to be alone despite hating the world and the situation she was in. Whenever she knew what she wanted, not many people could change her mind, and if someone dared to question her, she was quick to push them to back off. It wasn't as if they would have gotten under her skin or she was afraid they would change her mind, but it bothered her that they thought they could-like she couldn't think clearly herself or didn't know what she was doing.

Eventually, Cassandra drove to Heartland. She parked her car in front of the barn and looked at the French balcony with light curtains. The loft had lights on, which made Cassandra assume Ty and Amy were at home. She wanted to talk to Amy, because Amy knew what was going on as she'd been there when Cassandra had taken the pregnancy test and decided to go see a doctor, but the loft was small and she didn't know if Ty would listen.

Or maybe he already knew, because Caleb was Caleb and he couldn't keep a secret to save his life, especially one like this.

Sliding her cellphone out, Cassandra decided to text Amy. There were five unanswered calls from Caleb. She sighed.

 _God, this was a nightmare._

Ignoring the calls, she texted Amy. _"I'm outside. Can we talk in my car?"_

She kept her phone in her hands and looked upstairs, wondering what Ty and Amy were doing. Probably living their perfect domestic life where they never had drama like this.

Cassandra couldn't help but wonder if she was even cut out to be in a relationship as all her relationships seemed to end horribly-and right now she was beginning to think this was the end of her and Caleb too.

When she saw Amy coming to the window to check if she really was downstairs, Cassandra felt a lump in her throat. She didn't know why she all of a sudden felt so emotional; she was supposed to be angry. She was supposed to be ready to vent and let it all out when Amy came into the car.

It wasn't that she was scared; she was just tired, she figured.

Amy came downstairs quickly and stepped outside from the barn office door. She pulled her cardigan around her tighter and walked toward her car. Cassandra wasn't sure about it since she had no reason to back it up, but Amy looked nervous.

Maybe she would condemn her too; Cassandra realized she hadn't thought about that.

Earlier, when she had taken the test, she hadn't given Amy any thoughts about it. They'd just talked about how she should see a doctor and then talk to Caleb. But Cassandra didn't know Amy well enough to know her stance on abortions.

"Hey," Amy said when she came inside the car and pulled the door close. She turned to face Cassandra better, letting her know she was ready to listen.

"Hey..." Cassandra said, staring ahead, now wondering how she would go about it since she realized it might not be so easy with Amy either. "I told Caleb."

"So, you are... pregnant?" Amy assumed carefully. Cassandra nodded. "Okay. And... how did he take it?"

She could already tell that Cassandra didn't seem thrilled, and there could be a few reasons for it now; either it was because she still didn't know how to feel about it or because Caleb didn't know how to feel about it.

But, based on everything she knew, Amy would have guessed that Caleb loved babies. Then again, other people's babies could be a different thing than his own.

"He was surprised, of course, and..." Cassandra began and looked down, "excited, I guess."

She didn't really want to think about Caleb's reaction too much because all it did was make her angry. Cassandra felt bad, because maybe Caleb deserved someone else than her, someone who would be happy with him about something like this.

What had he even seen in her in the first place? He was this ray of sunshine, and she was nothing like that. Who was the stupid one now-Caleb for falling in love with her or her for letting him fall for her?

It wasn't as if Cassandra thought herself to be a bad person; it was just that she probably wasn't a very good match with Caleb. They fought all the time, and they were from such different worlds, anyway. What even kept them together? She was somehow good at ignoring that when things were going well for them.

"And you...?" Amy asked the question Cassandra didn't really want to get into. She didn't want to explain anyone why she wanted to go through with the abortion because it was no one else's business.

But people weren't happy with simple answers; they wanted to understand, so they wanted to know why.

"I'm going to have an abortion," Cassandra finally said, now staring Amy directly into her eyes. Suddenly she felt this defiance, almost as if she wanted to see every detail on Amy's face when she reacted.

Would she feel disgusted, disappointed or something in between? Was she just another person who wouldn't get her?

"Okay," Amy replied, nodding. Cassandra still couldn't tell her exact reaction. Amy didn't seem as uncomfortable as she'd expected. "When?"

"What…?" Cassandra asked.

"When are you going to have it?" Amy formed the question again as she realized she might have been a bit unclear.

Cassandra was surprised. "You're not going to ask me explain why?"

"I'm sure you have your reasons," Amy replied. "And you've talked about it with Caleb, haven't you? No one else's opinion should matter."

She herself hated when people interfered with her relationship with Ty or thought they knew her life or feelings better than she did. Of course, it had never gotten to things like this, but more so, if someone was making big decisions like this for her, it would infuriate her.

"So, when?"

"I have an appointment tomorrow," Cassandra told her.

"Would you like me to come with you?" Amy offered.

Cassandra was almost speechless by this amount of empathy. She had come here hoping for best but fearing the worst, and what she got back was total support that exceeded her expectations.

"You don't have to..." Cassandra refused. It was almost too much caring for her to handle.

"If it helps you, I would like to be there," Amy said. "But it's okay if you want to go alone. But you don't have to, if you don't want to."

Amy wasn't making this about her, no matter what her thoughts about this subject were. Instead, it was all about her and what she wanted, Cassandra realized. It was rare.

"If you're free, then... yeah, maybe," Cassandra finally said.

Amy took Cassandra's hand. "I am."

Cassandra looked at her friend and sighed a little. She didn't have the words to express her gratitude, but it seemed like Amy got it anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Like the description of "The Decision" says, this story features mentions of abortion and things related to it. The warning's there for a reason to let you know that you don't have to be exposed to it if you wish not to be. If you do not want to read about a story that features such themes, I advice you not to read "The Decision". Simple as that. I understand this is a touchy subject, but I'm not here to make statements; I'm just here to tell a story about what could have possibly happened and I hope you can respect that and anyone who might have had a similar experience. The purpose of this story is not to "glorify" abortion nor is it about "condemning" it, it's just a story. Thank you for your time._

* * *

Ty sat back down in his chair after Amy had gone outside. Only a few moments ago, he'd had her on his lap, and they'd talked about their work days while sipping their teas. Ty knew it hadn't been mandatory for him to get up in order for Amy to leave, since it was her who was sitting on him, but he'd wanted to steal a kiss before she'd gone and that's why he'd been on his feet.

Before leaving, Amy had only said something about Cassandra being downstairs and wanting to talk, and he hadn't asked anything about it. He was just glad that Amy and Cass got along these days; it hadn't always been like that. In fact, it was nice that some things they talked about had nothing to do with him or his work and were just about their own friendship. Amy needed a friend, and he didn't want it all involving him because it was good for her to have a relationship with Cassandra outside their marriage as well.

While thinking that and reaching for his mug, Ty was stopped by the Bonanza ringtone he'd set for Caleb. He smiled and dug his phone out. That ringtone never stopped making him grin-and it was so fitting for Caleb as well.

"Hey, man," he greeted his friend, sitting back on his chair. "You back in town?"

"Yeah, I am," Caleb said. It sounded like he was almost panicking at the other end of the line. "Look, I need your help. Could you try calling Cassandra to make sure she's not doing something stupid?"

Ty frowned, automatically glancing toward the balcony even though there was nothing there, but he knew Cassandra was downstairs with Amy and they were having some kind of talk.

"Uh... what do you mean?" Ty had to ask. "What kind of stuff would she be doing?"

He stood and walked toward the balcony, now taking a peek outside. He could see the lights in Cassandra's car and her sitting inside with Amy. If he squinted enough, it almost looked like they were holding hands.

There was a long sigh at the other end of the line, which pulled Ty back to the phone call. "Caleb...?"

"I don't—I don't know how to tell you this, but... Cassandra's pregnant. And she's thinking of having... an abortion," Caleb revealed.

Ty's mouth opened a little as he was so shocked by the news—not only about the fact that Cassandra was pregnant, but also how quickly he was supposed to recover from the news that she was going to have an abortion—but he tried to pull himself together in order to have this conversation.

"You're thinking she's having an abortion now?" Ty checked so he could fully grasp Caleb's state of mind.

"Yeah. And I don't want her to," Caleb pressed. "I mean, I think we should think about this before making any rash decisions. She only told me, and we had a fight and then she just took off. She's not answering my calls, and I'm really worried."

"Okay, well, first of all," Ty tried to keep his friend calm, "I don't think any clinic would do late-night abortions around here. And secondly, you don't need to worry about her; I don't think she's up to something you wouldn't want her to be."

Even though Ty couldn't see him, he could almost picture the look on Caleb's face right now. "How do you know?"

"Because she's here at Heartland, talking to Amy," Ty explained. "They're downstairs; she just got here. I didn't know what was up. Amy just got a text from her, and now they're talking."

"Okay, well, that's a relief," Caleb said. "Could you maybe try to hold her there so I could come and talk to her about it? Maybe try to make her rethink about the whole thing, if you can?"

"I don't know, man," Ty said hesitantly, looking out. "I mean, I can try, but, like . . . I don't know if it's my place—" He stopped as he saw both Amy and Cassandra stepping out of the car. "Wait. I think they're coming in."

"Good. Keep her there! I'm on my way!" he could hear Caleb say before hanging up. Ty checked his phone to know if the phone call had really ended or if he was just out of battery.

It didn't take long for Amy and Cassandra to come upstairs. They both looked shaken in a way, like they were up to no good, probably because they didn't think Ty knew what was going on, but they would have to find a way to explain it

"Hey, Cass," Ty said, glancing quickly at Amy. He knew that look; it was the same one Amy had on her face whenever she had something to say, something she knew others wouldn't approve of but she was determined to go through with anyway. "What's up?"

Ty tried to act clueless, not only because he didn't want to pressure Cassandra into telling him something that wasn't his business in the first place but also because he didn't want to scare her away in case Caleb would make it here on time. It was hard being in between, but Ty tried his best to keep them both in his mind while this situation unfolded.

"I told Cassandra she could stay over for tonight," Amy jumped in before Cassandra could say anything. She wanted her to know that she didn't have to feel obligated to tell something as personal as this to Ty just because they were working together. "She and Caleb had a fight."

It wasn't a lie, but it also wasn't the whole truth. Amy hoped that Ty wouldn't ask too many questions, because she didn't want to make this harder than it had to be.

Thankfully, Ty was on board. "Oh, okay. Well... be my guest," he said, gesturing them inside. "Would you like some tea?"

"Yeah, that would be nice. Thank you," Cassandra said. She seemed relieved that Ty hadn't asked any more questions—for now.

"I'll go make you some," Ty replied, feeling somewhat awkward but still willing to help his friends out.

As Cassandra sat down on the couch, Amy followed Ty to the kitchen part of the loft. Ty took the teakettle from the stove while Amy glued herself close to him so they could whisper.

"I'm sorry, but she really could use a place to stay," Amy said quietly. They'd planned to have a quiet night in, but things had quickly changed after Cassandra's arrival.

"No, it's fine," Ty replied, shrugging. He sensed Amy felt like she needed to justify this without really telling him what was going on, so Ty figured it was better for them if he just told her the truth. "Look, Amy . . . I know."

Amy frowned. "What do you mean?"

"About... the pregnancy," Ty said, glancing over his shoulder and then back at his wife.

Amy looked surprised. "But—" She sighed. "Caleb."

Ty nodded, feeling like he didn't really want to get into it. It seemed to him like Cassandra might have filled Amy in even earlier, so they were both caught in between together.

"You know, guys," Cassandra suddenly said, "the loft's not that big. I can hear you whispering. It doesn't take a genius to know what you two are gossiping about."

Amy turned toward Cassandra. It was no use pretending like they weren't talking about what she knew they were talking about; it would only make Cassandra feel worse.

"Sorry," she said sincerely.

"Caleb called you, didn't he?" Cassandra said, turning to face Ty now too.

Ty nodded as he turned to face Cass. "He did."

"Of course," Cassandra sighed, feeling like it was impossible to control this thing anymore. She'd hoped it would just stay between her, Caleb, and Amy, and that would help her get back to normal after the whole thing was over. The fewer people who knew, the better. Cassandra wasn't looking into getting any special treatment or being made into a victim of a guilt trip; she just wanted to get it over with.

Now everyone would look at her differently, think of her differently, just because of something that wasn't supposed to have happened.


	4. Chapter 4

Cassandra looked around the bathroom that Amy had set up for her. There was a bath water waiting for her, a robe folded on the toilet, and aromatic candles lit on the side table. She knew Amy had meant well, but right now the smell of the candles made her sick, which is why blowing them out was the first thing she did.

The whole nausea thing was why she'd started to suspect the pregnancy in the first place. She hadn't expected it to be true, as she was on the pill, but after a while she hadn't been able to think anything else before knowing whether it was true or not and that had become a problem, especially while working.

And so, here, in this very bathroom, she'd taken the test and found out she was pregnant. Of course she'd had to be 100% sure of the result, as the home tests weren't always reliable, which was why she'd gone and gotten herself checked. Truth to be told, she didn't remember much from the appointment, only the three words that had rung in her head ever since: "You are pregnant."

These last few days felt like they had lasted a week, and Cassandra realized she'd never felt this trapped in her own body-and in a way, her body wasn't even just hers anymore.

She sighed and tried to shut her brain off. _Tomorrow this time, it'll be over_ , she told herself, even though she knew it wasn't going to be easy.

Eventually, Cassandra stripped off her clothes, tied her hair up, and got into the bath. She tried to adjust her body in the tub and closed her eyes as the water hugged her figure. The bathroom was silent, but she could hear low murmurs coming from the room as Ty and Amy were talking. Thankfully, she couldn't make out what they were saying, because without a doubt they were talking about something relating to this situation. She already had too many voices in her head, telling their opinion about this topic, when she'd never even asked that.

* * *

After a nice cup of tea, Amy had suggested a bath for Cassandra. She was kind of stumped with the situation. She'd never come across anything like this, but she still tried her best to look after their house guest as well as she could. What she'd figured so far was that she shouldn't treat Cassandra like she was made of glass, but she would still do anything she could to make her feel less stress.

Cassandra had liked the idea of a bath and was now in the bathroom while Amy dug out fresh linens from the closet. Ty was taking his pillow and cover from their bed. The plan was to let Cassandra sleep on the bed with Amy while Ty himself would sleep on the couch. Ty knew Cassandra wasn't probably that uncomfortable physically, as she wasn't heavily pregnant, but it just felt polite to let her have a better bed, if only to give her a chance to rest better.

"What would you do?" Amy asked when she brought a sheet to Ty.

Ty looked confused as he accepted it. "What do you mean?"

"If I told you I was pregnant," Amy explained further.

"Well, I think it's hardly the same as it is with Caleb and Cass," Ty said right away. "I mean, we've been together for years, and we're married. And we've also talked about the possibility of having kids, so ... I feel like if that would happen, we would let it happen."

"Yeah, I guess so," Amy agreed. "What about if I told you I didn't want to keep it...?" she continued carefully.

It took a while for Ty to reply. "First of all, I would be surprised if you'd say that, not going to lie," Ty admitted, glancing at Amy. "It just wouldn't feel like you, you know?" Amy nodded; Ty knew her so well. "But... I think we would talk about it and get on the same page eventually, whatever that page would be."

Amy agreed. It felt like it was easier for her and Ty to talk about things like this and come to the same conclusion, as they had slowly intertwined their lives together and become more of the same whereas Caleb and Cassandra often argued or even nagged about things they didn't agree with one another about.

"In the car, when Cassandra told me, I kept thinking if it was weird that I wouldn't be able to go through with it myself, but I also wouldn't want to make Cassandra think that she shouldn't either," Amy confessed. "Does that even make sense?"

"It does to me," Ty replied. "I mean, at the end of the day, we can't force people to live the life we ourselves would because it's never the same. No one's lives are the same, so one pattern doesn't just fit all. It's one thing to offer advice sometimes, but it doesn't mean people have to take it, and we have to respect that. I guess what I'm saying is that I wish people would respect my choices, so in return I want to respect their choices, too. Unless those choices are stupid and hurtful to others," he added, even smiling a little bit.

"Yeah, you would know all about those stupid decisions, wouldn't you?" Amy teased.

"Well, I married you, so..." Ty hit back and grinned.

"Hey!" Amy slapped him gently when she got what he meant. Ty laughed a little. They were just about to get into a playful fight when they heard steps from downstairs.

"Coming in!" Caleb's voice announced.

Their smiles died on their lips. Amy was surprised, but when she noticed Ty seemed more nervous about how this was going to go down, she realized Ty had known about this. "Caleb, what are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to Cassandra," the cowboy explained, seemingly nervous. "Where is she?"

Amy sighed a little and looked at Ty. "We really need to get that door so people wouldn't just barge in," she said under her breath and then walked to Caleb, leaving Ty to make his own bed. "She's in the bath, but I don't want you to distract her."

"But we need to talk!" Caleb hurried. His patience was wearing thin.

"As if she's doing anything in that tub right now," Amy tried to cover her friend. "Whatever you have to say, it can wait."

"But–" Caleb couldn't even argue before the bathroom door opened. Cassandra walked out wearing a bathrobe. The man's eyes fixed on her. "Cass. We need to talk."

"I figured you wouldn't give up that easily," Cassandra said. She knew that this was going to be inevitable, so she might as well get it done now.

"Amy, why don't we do night check?" Ty suggested, even though he wasn't even done with putting on the linens.

"Yeah, let's go," Amy agreed, figuring Caleb and Cassandra could use the privacy-even though it seemed like nothing that happened in this loft ever remained completely private. The couple went downstairs to check the horses, leaving Cassandra and Caleb to talk.


	5. Chapter 5

"You're not still planning to go through with... _it_ , are you?" Caleb asked straight away. It seemed like he was having a hard time saying the word-abortion-which only made Cassandra feel more annoyed. If they were going to talk about this like adults, they should be at least able to use the proper words.

"You mean the abortion?" Cassandra asked rhetorically. "Yes, I am."

Caleb didn't even have time to flinch at the word when he was so worried about the finality of the decision. "But have you at least considered not doing it?" he wanted to know.

"What do you take me for?" Cassandra was a little insulted with the way Caleb assumed she hadn't weighed all the options and had just immediately jumped to choosing the abortion. "Of course I have. But just because it's an option doesn't mean it's the right one for me. Or us."

"How do you know that? You can't know that, not yet, when nothing has even happened!" Caleb tried. "Can't you just... wait a little while and see how you feel? Maybe you're just in shock right now and it's hard to think clearly."

"Enough has happened already; I'm pregnant, am I not? And I know myself, Caleb," she sighed. "This isn't me being shocked; this is me being reasonable. And besides, I can't wait too long. I know it's only going to get worse, for you and for us. You'd get more attached to the idea of the baby and then if-or when-I still decide to have an abortion, you'll despise me for it, and that will destroy us, both of us, when I could have just saved us the trouble. I don't want to drag this along any further than I have to."

Caleb was at a loss for arguments-all except one. "But... I want to have a baby," Caleb admitted, now more sad than frustrated. "I want to be a dad."

"I'm not stopping you," Cassandra said. Caleb looked confused, then sad again. Cassandra knew she would disappoint him in that department, but at the same time she couldn't lead him on, because even though Caleb probably wouldn't be able to see it now, this was Cassandra caring about him too. "Ultimately, it's my decision because it's my body," she continued. "If you want a baby, you can go and find someone else who's willing to give you that. I just know that if I'm only doing this because you wanted to, I'm reduced to nothing more than a womb. If you wanna be with me, you respect me and my decision. If you just want a baby, find someone else who can give you that. But that person isn't me, and I was hoping that our relationship would have been about more than just having a baby."

Cassandra realized that by saying these words, she was pretty much giving Caleb an ultimatum, but at the same time, she had to respect herself enough to stand her ground.

"I don't think my feelings will change, because like I said, I know myself," she continued when Caleb stared at her, brokenhearted. "If I'm doing something that I don't want, how can I promise that it wouldn't affect me as a parent or as your partner? I know I seem selfish to you, but I'm thinking about the child too. It's better this way."

Standing there, staring at each other, Cassandra felt like she'd never heard silence this loud. But she'd said everything there was to say about this, and now it was up to Caleb to decide what he was going to do with that.

"Then maybe... it's best for us if we take some time apart," Caleb said, still not wanting to admit defeat. It hurt him that Cassandra was going to choose abortion, but at the same time, he didn't want to give Cassandra away at the same time-it would have been too much to handle. That being said, he needed time to process this all, and he needed to do it alone.

"Maybe," Cassandra agreed, even though she didn't know if this relationship could survive whatever was ahead. But that was something to worry about for another day. Now she just needed to get through the next few days.

"I'll get my things from your apartment and find somewhere else to stay, just so you know," Caleb said. This wasn't an unusual arrangement for them, as they'd had their fights and often spend nights apart because of it, but this time it felt different, almost-maybe-final.

Cassandra nodded. "Okay." She knew she still loved Caleb, but there was something that held them both back from expressing that love now. It almost didn't seem appropriate.

After that, Caleb descended downstairs. Both Ty and Amy tried to act as if they were in the middle of doing some kind of chore even though everyone involved knew they'd heard the conversation Caleb and Cassandra had just had.

"You okay, man?" Ty had to ask before Caleb had time to head out. The cowboy looked so defeated, and Ty knew this was hard for him to take as he'd often heard Caleb pour his heart out to him about women and starting a family.

"I don't know. I need time." Caleb walked out without saying another word.

"Maybe you should go after him?" Amy suggested, worried about her friend.

"You heard him; he wants to be alone. Let him at least have that," Ty responded. It was obvious Caleb had very little say in anything right now, so this was the least they could do.

Ty and Amy exchanged concerned glances. It was hard to be between two people they both cared about, but at the same time, their struggles were probably nothing compared to what Cassanda and Caleb were going through.

Caleb walked back to his truck and adjusted himself behind the wheel. He stared blankly ahead, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. There had been big disappointments in his life, almost more than there had been good things, but this topped it all.

After Ashley, it felt like he would never find love again, let alone have the chance to raise a family, but then he'd found Cassandra and that dream had become alive again; he'd allowed his heart to be open for opportunities again. But before things had even gotten that serious, it had been crushed again, in the worst way possible. How much longer was he able to take this back and forth before it would break him?

 _I need a drink_ , Caleb decided and turned on the engine of his truck.


	6. Chapter 6

After a few minutes, Ty and Amy slowly walked upstairs. They didn't know whether Cassandra wanted to be alone or not after the discussion she'd just had with Caleb, but at least they could ask her about it before making the decision for her.

When they got to the loft, Cassandra was standing close to the kitchen sink and staring at the dishes in it. It looked like she was lost in thought.

"Hey," Amy said carefully, getting Cassandra's attention. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Cassandra said, putting on a brave face as she turned to face her friends. "I said everything I wanted to say, and I guess he did too. It's not like this resolution surprised me. I mean, he's always wanted kids and I... haven't been sure about it. How else was this supposed to end?" she said rhetorically, even smiling a little bit, but to Amy it looked like smiling instead of frowning was her coping mechanism or involuntary way to comfort herself.

"Maybe this isn't the end? Maybe he just needs time to think?" Ty suggested.

"I appreciate your optimism, but you know I've never been one to practice such things," Cassandra hummed. "Relationships come and go, right?"

"But... you love him, right?" Amy wasn't ready to give up either.

"I do, and I know he loves me too, but sometimes that's just not enough. Especially when you're faced with such a profound moral dilemma. He has his beliefs and wants; I have mine," Cassandra said, walking around restlessly. "I mean, who was I kidding? Where did I expect this to go, anyway?"

"Sometimes we believe things change along the way," Amy figured. She knew it hadn't been easy for her and Ty either, but things had worked out, and now they were married.

"I guess so," Cassandra replied. "Maybe they do for some, but they don't for all." She knew the reality of dating, so it didn't shake her to her core.

"I'm sorry, Cassandra," Amy said compassionately.

"Me too. But I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'll be fine," she insisted. "The more normal things get, the better I'll be. Speaking of which, I should finish my bath," Cassandra continued, hoping to wash away this feeling she had.

"Okay, well... we'll be here if you need anything," Amy said, hoping that the bath would at least make Cassandra feel a little bit more normal.

"Thanks, guys," she said before returning to the bathroom.

After she went in, Amy turned to hug Ty. She felt so bad for her friends and how sad they were. "You know I love you, right?" Amy asked when Ty wrapped his arms around her. He was more silent in situations like this, but something about his presence was still comforting. That was one of the things Amy loved about him.

"I know," Ty said, giving Amy's temple a gentle kiss.

* * *

On the other side of Hudson, Caleb parked his truck in front of a bar. He sighed and looked at the red neon sign on the window, thinking about that beer he'd been about to have before Cassandra had broken the news. He didn't drink that much these days, more like had a beer here and there to relax or celebrate something.

As he'd gotten older, Caleb had felt like his hangovers had gotten worse, and that had been a biggest reason he no longer went out and got wasted. Another reason was that he didn't really have a reason or company. Now that Ty was married, he was basically the poster boy for a devoted husband, so that meant he didn't spend his nights in a bar, playing snooker and getting drunk but instead sat down on the couch to rub Amy's feet or made her a meal.

Caleb knew that it was probably kind of lame for many men to dream about such domestic things, but it didn't stop him. After meeting Ashley and living with her, Caleb had realized the whole appeal of such things. It wasn't about chaining him down but about sharing a life together-companionship.

 _Ashley…_

He thought about their last meeting bitterly. She had, without his knowledge, made him the other man. Now she was probably married to that Andy guy, and who knew, maybe they even had kids. It felt like ever since he'd been dumped by her, she'd had it all: the choice, a better starting point, and a brighter future. The one who dumped the other always had a say. Caleb had been so blindsided by the whole thing, and it seemed like it was beginning to be the story of his life. He didn't have a say in this pregnancy thing either; Cassandra did.

Fueled by that bitterness, Caleb got out of the truck and walked to the bar. He didn't know what he was doing wrong. Why was he not allowed to have the happiness he wanted?

After ordering a beer and few shots, Caleb leaned on the counter, letting the alcohol settle. The pain was beginning to fade, leaving more room for his frustrations.

"Hey, cowboy." He heard a voice and turned to look.

 _Cowboy._

Ashley always used to call him "Cowboy." Even though it didn't make sense, in his somewhat drunken state Caleb fully expected to see Ashley standing next to him, but instead he was looking at another blonde, a stranger who threw her heavy handbag onto the counter and sat down next to him.

"You wanna buy me a drink?" she suggested.

He looked at her, at first wondering if they knew each other and that was why she wanted him to offer, but then realizing maybe she was flirting with him. It had been a while since he'd done this since he'd been in a monogamous relationship with Cassandra for some months now, so Caleb felt like he was a little rusty.

 _Yeah, why not. Why wouldn't I buy a drink for her to soothe my broken ego?_ It had seemed like no one wanted him, but at least this woman did. Why would he refuse her interest?

"Give this lady what she wants", Caleb said to the bartender when he came to collect her order and accepted the money he slid across the counter. His words were beginning to slur now, but thankfully he'd still been able to make himself heard.

"I'll have a vodka martini, thank you," the woman next to him said while Caleb took another swig from his beer. "My name's Stacy. And you are?"

"Caleb. Caleb Odell," he introduced himself after putting his beer down. They shook hands. "Nice to meet you, Stacy."

"You too." She accepted his hand, smiling. "You from around here?"

"Well, kind of. Originally from Okotoks, but... I guess I'm kind of here now," Caleb said, even though he didn't know what the truth was right now. All of his stuff was now in his truck, collected in a big plastic bag, and he was looking for a place to crash now that he and Cassandra were having some time off.

"I see," Stacy said, nodding. "I've been to Okotoks. It's a nice place."

From there on, things were beginning to blur for Caleb. He recalled Stacy asking something about his line of work and explaining what she did in return. There was other conversation too, but the last clear memory he had was of him asking her, "Can we go to your place?"


	7. Chapter 7

Caleb couldn't remember the last time he'd woken up to the feeling of a sledgehammer inside his head, but as soon as he became more aware of it, he realized this was not going to be a good day. No day with a hangover ever was.

"Morning, cowboy," he heard a soft voice say and tried to focus on the blurry silhouette his eyes had spotted. After a while, it became clear to Caleb that he was sleeping on a couch and there was a woman, whose name he couldn't remember, in the room as well. "You want me to get you a bucket?" the woman offered, sipping her coffee as she was seated on a leather chair not too far away.

"Maybe," Caleb said, not wanting to throw up all over the place if it came to that. He was trying very hard to come up with the woman's name or how he'd even gotten here, but there was a big blank between him arriving at a bar and him waking up now.

"All right," the woman said, getting up and putting her coffee mug down. While she was away, Caleb took a look at his surroundings. He was in a small apartment, one he hadn't seen before, and it looked like it was close to noon already based on the way the light came through the shades. "Here you go," the woman said as she came back and put the bucket down next to the couch Caleb was sleeping on.

"Thanks. I'm sorry, but I don't remember your name," Caleb confessed. He was embarrassed that he was sleeping on what seemed to be this woman's couch and couldn't even recall something as simple as her name.

"It's Stacy. Except I guess I go by the name Ashley too," she hummed. "At least, that's what you kept calling me even when I told you I was Stacy."

Caleb's humiliation doubled. "Sorry... That's my ex-wife's name."

"Is she the reason why you were in the bar last night?" Stacy asked. Caleb had been so drunk that it had been hard to keep up with his story. "I mean, must've been pretty bad because I don't see a ring on you."

"No. It's been a while since we got divorced. And I guess I'm over her," Caleb explained, sitting up. "Or I thought I was. Last night... was a mess."

"Yeah, I could tell that much," Stacy said and sat down on her chair with her mug. "I would ask if you're feeling any better, but something tells me you're not."

"You got that right," Caleb confirmed, trying to control his gag reflex. "I'm sorry... I don't remember anything that happened. Did we...?" he asked, hoping he wouldn't insult the lady, but they were probably past that stage, especially since he couldn't even remember her name.

"Oh, god, no." Stacy shook her head. "You were so drunk anyway, so it's not like I even expected that. But I also couldn't just send you on your way, seeing how you were. I would have worried that you were going to pass out somewhere or get run over by someone or robbed, so I brought you here to my place to be sure you were going to be safe."

"That's awfully nice of you." Caleb was surprised. "It's not often that strangers help wrecks like me."

"It's better to wake up to a drunk on my couch than a police officer at my door, asking if I was the last one to see you," Stacy said in a somewhat joking manner. "Anyway. Do you want breakfast?"

"No, I don't think I can keep anything down. But thanks for the offer," Caleb said.

"So... did it help?" Stacy asked after a moment of silence.

Caleb was lost. "Did what help?"

"Whatever you were trying to solve by drinking," Stacy replied. "It was obvious you were going through something and you'd figured drinking was a way to solve it. So, did it help?"

"No," Caleb admitted, not even sure what he'd been thinking. He was only feeling worse, especially now that he figured Cassandra had probably gone to the clinic already and had the abortion. Nothing had been solved, and he'd been stupid to think that anything would if he got drunk. "My girlfriend... she's having an abortion."

"I guess that's not what you would have wanted...?" Stacy figured.

"No. I want to have a family," Caleb shared. "I guess we should've talked about this before things got too serious, but I've never been one to think with my head."

Stacy had a guess. "But with your-"

"Heart," Caleb finished the sentence.

"Right, right," Stacy nodded, taking a sip from her cup. "So she doesn't want to have kids? Like, at all?"

"I don't know," Caleb had to admit he wasn't sure. "At least not now."

"Well... maybe that's something you should find out," Stacy suggested. "I mean, it's kind of a big deal and something that's hard to compromise on if you're at polar opposites when it comes to this. Sounds to me that if you want different things, then maybe you want a different future too."

"Yeah, I know," Caleb said, looking down, defeated. "I know I have a decision to make. I just hope it's not going to hurt badly."

"It might," Stacy replied, "but it also might not. You won't know till you find out."


	8. Chapter 8

What surprised Cassanda, as she was waiting for her name to be called at the clinic, was the variety of women in the waiting room with her. She had to admit that she'd always had some expectations or even prejudices of what someone who was having an abortion would look or be like.

A single mother who didn't have enough money to feed her family as it was, let alone yet another human being. She couldn't afford to lose her job or be absent from the many jobs that she had to keep things going for her family without any support from her ex-spouse.

A woman who had gotten too drunk, slept with someone she barely knew, and realized weeks later that she might be pregnant. Someone without a safety net who swore she would never get that drunk again.

A young girl who hadn't been using birth control, thinking nothing would most likely happen anyway, and when something had in fact happened, she didn't feel she was ready to become a mother at this age. The shame she would feel would make her shut inward and not tell anyone because she didn't want to be judged.

Or a rape victim who had already been through enough as it was, and giving birth to a child that was not only unplanned but also something that would forever remind her of the horrible thing she had had to go through wasn't something she would be able to handle.

But from what she could tell, Cassandra saw everything from businesswomen afraid of losing their jobs because of an unwanted pregnancy to couples with multiple kids tagging along who just weren't ready to have another child for reasons unknown to her but valid for them and someone who was crying because it would be too dangerous for her and/or for the baby to go through with the pregnancy, so there was only one option left.

These were stories she hadn't considered herself because she'd never been one of those women-until now.

Even though there were stereotypes-that were somewhat true, but not completely-what all these women had in common was the fact that all of their stories were different and there were a million reasons why they were all here today, doing something they would never forget but were too ashamed to talk about to anyone because of the stigmas the whole thing still had.

Not only was this hard as it was, but the blame the society placed on them for going through with something like this made it even harder. No one in the waiting room smiled; every one of them probably felt at least some form of shame, so they bowed their heads, even though no one in this room would judge one another for what they were about to do. Everyone knew this decision wasn't easy, but it was what they were here to do.

"Cassandra Lee," a nurse's voice called.

Amy, who was sat beside Cassandra, got alerted and gently touched her friend's arm. Cassandra had been quiet and lost in thought all morning, so Amy had decided not to force any conversation with her. She probably had a lot to think about already.

Cassandra looked at the nurse, wondering if she was doing the same thing she'd probably done on some level with every woman she'd known to have had an abortion.

 _Did the nurse think she knew her?_

"Do you want me to come with you?" Amy asked when they got up.

"No. It's fine. Thanks, though. If you can just wait here, that'd be great," Cassandra said and handed Amy her coat. The blonde took it and nodded. "It'll be a while before it's over... I hope that's okay."

"Of course," Amy said. "I'll be here."

"Thanks," Cassandra said before taking a deep breath, adjusting her handbag on her shoulder, and then following the nurse to the room where a doctor was waiting for them.

It was strange that even though Cassandra was used to the smell clinics had and was accustomed to handling all the instruments doctors and nurses did operations with, being here scared her. In a way, she got a new perspective of her clients' point of view, even though her clients were animals and didn't necessarily realize what was about to happen to them.

 _But did she really, either?_

She'd ended pregnancies in animals, but she'd never had an abortion herself. What would life be like after this? Would she be somehow different as a person?

She had no way of knowing, no matter how familiar she was with the technical side of things.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Pollock," the doctor introduced herself as she walked in.

"Cassandra Lee, nice to meet you," she said politely, but wasn't sure if it really was nice to meet the doctor. As a person, probably, but in these circumstances, not really.

"Have a seat," the doctor said and sat down herself. While Cassandra adjusted herself in the chair, the doctor went through some files that no doubt had some information about her. "Let's see... They did the physical examination and lab tests the last time, right?" she asked and after getting a nod and a shy "yeah" from Cassandra, Dr. Pollock continued, checking if there was anything out of the ordinary about her results. "You seem healthy from what I can tell. Now, I see you've chosen the medical abortion, is that correct?"

"Yes, that's correct," Cassandra confirmed, feeling nauseous just thinking about it. "I just want to get it over with, so I thought it was better than the medical one. Or not... _better_ , but... quicker... " Her voice wandered off as she stumbled over her words. "I know what you must think."

Dr. Pollock looked curious. "Oh yeah? What am I thinking?"

"You're judging me," Cassandra figured. "Wondering why I'm not keeping the baby. And I know that no matter what reasons I would list for you, it would never be enough."

"Well, actually, I'm not here to judge you," Dr. Pollock corrected her. "I'm here to asses your health and make sure you get decent care. - Can I ask you a question?" Something about the way Cassandra got so defensive made her wonder about something. "Is the man who got you pregnant in your life...?"

"Yeah, he is... Or... _was_ ; I don't know what the situation is at the moment," Cassandra said, feeling heavy again. "He's my boyfriend. Or was... Like I said, it's a little unclear."

Dr. Pollock nodded. "And what are his feelings about this?"

"He would have wanted to keep the baby," Cassandra said, somewhat scared the doctor would side with Caleb and she would walk out of here, forced to make a decision she didn't want just because the medical staff refused to do the operation on her.

"I see," Dr. Pollock said, getting a confirmation to her suspicion, but then dropped the topic. Cassandra wasn't necessarily talking to her about the reasons, but to her boyfriend. She turned to the files again to check few things.

"Can I ask you something in return...?" Cassandra's voice was now more careful, almost child-like. When Dr. Pollock nodded, she continued. "Do you think... I'll come to regret this?"

The doctor before her took her time before she replied. "I've found that the women who come to regret it are the women who weren't sure about their decision. Let's say you keep the baby but you weren't sure about it; you might end up regretting that decision. Or you don't know if this is the right thing right now, but you do it because you can't be sure about the other option; you might end up regretting it too. So... I guess, before we move to the other room and go any further, I have one question for you."

Cassandra looked the doctor in the eyes.

"Are you sure about this?" Dr. Pollock asked, not with a pressuring tone, but to make it clear to Cassandra herself that it was up to her to decide what would happen next.

"Yeah," Cassandra finally nodded as she let the answer come to her without her having to think about it. "I am sure."


	9. Chapter 9

"Are you comfortable?" Amy fussed around Cassandra when they'd gotten back to the loft from the clinic. Her friend was sitting on the couch, hugging a warm water bottle against her stomach, feeling sore after the operation.

"As comfortable as I can be, I guess," Cassandra sighed. "They said that it's a process that can continue for over six weeks or so. Got that to look forward to," she added sarcastically.

"You want an ibuprofen?" Amy asked, already getting Cassandra a glass of water. "That's allowed, right?"

"Yeah, I guess it couldn't hurt. Thanks, Amy."

When Amy brought her the water and then headed to the bathroom, Cassandra realized that most of the biggest moments of this whole experience had happened here in this loft. She had done the pregnancy test here, found out she was pregnant, and spent the night before the operation, and now she was slowly healing within these walls. Maybe it was good that it was someplace other than her own home, because that was where she would be after this, trying to get back to normal and trying to put this behind her.

"Here," Amy said, handing her the pill. "I'll leave this here in case you want to take another one later." She placed the package on the table, next to all the other medications that were given to Cassandra to help her deal with the physical changes and pain.

"Yeah, that's fine." Cassandra put the pill in her mouth and swallowed it down with the help of the water. Meanwhile, Amy sat beside her, figuring Cassandra probably didn't want to be alone now.

"How are you feeling otherwise?" she asked carefully, giving Cassandra an opportunity to talk about her emotions.

When Cassandra placed the glass on the table, she glanced at Amy. "Overwhelmed," she said, shrugging. "Relieved. Sad. Elated. Depressed."

Amy nodded, understanding that something like this was a lot to handle and there probably wasn't just one feeling someone going through it experienced. "Well, you can talk to me about it whenever you want."

"And you're okay with that?" Cassandra checked.

"Of course," Amy said. "I don't want to leave you alone in this."

Cassandra nodded, feeling like that alone already helped her feel a little bit better. "Thank you."

"Would you like to listen to music?" Amy suggested, hoping that it might help her feel more relaxed. Despite the sounds from the stalls downstairs, the loft was a pretty quiet place and that could be haunting, especially if you didn't want to be alone with your thoughts.

Cassandra nodded. "Yeah, why not."

Amy got up and went to Ty's stash. While she was trying to pick a record to play-one that didn't have the word baby in the title-they heard footsteps coming from downstairs. Cassandra was immediately on alert but started to feel sick when she saw Caleb.

Amy got up and walked toward him. "Caleb... I don't know if you should be here right now."

"Did you... do it?" Caleb ignored Amy, not breaking his eye contact with Cassandra even though Amy was standing between them and demanding his attention. Cassandra didn't say anything but instead shielded her eyes, which made Caleb look at the pile of medication in front of her. She didn't have to say it; he knew. "You did."

"Caleb. Please. She needs time," Amy insisted. She could see Caleb getting emotional, but she also knew that Cassandra was supposed to decrease any amount of stress there could be right now, and this wasn't the time for any discussion Caleb wanted to have.

"Okay, I'm going. I just... I just needed to know," Caleb said, realizing not to bother Cassandra any more than this. He took the steps down and went the barn to calm himself. He had prepared for this, but facing it was still difficult. It left him feeling somehow numb and thinking nothing felt real anymore.

Amy made sure that Caleb didn't come back and then turned to Cassandra. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I guess I had to face him sooner or later," Cassandra said, feeling vulnerable and sick.

She wasn't sure if she was nauseated because of the operation or because of the emotional side of things. Her relationship with Caleb was already over, or at least that was the impression she'd been left with after the last time they'd spoken, so there was nothing to salvage anymore. Still, Cassandra felt bad about seeing him like that, with all that disappointment in his eyes. She doubted there was anything she could say to or do for him to help him understand her side of things, and maybe this was something she couldn't even explain to Caleb since his mind was so made up about it, it seemed.

More than anything, Cassandra wished they'd talked about something like this before anything like it had even happened, so they wouldn't have to end things in a way that was so damaging for the both of them.

Right now, that was her biggest regret.


	10. Chapter 10

The last few weeks had been like an out-of-body experience for Cassandra. She'd gone to back to her old life as a changed woman. She woke up, had a shower, ate her breakfast, and headed to the vet clinic just like she always did, came home, cooked, and went to bed, yet … something was different.

Even when there were no things that would have triggered her to think about the operation, she thought about it. In the vet clinic, it was obvious those thoughts kept her company; she was surrounded by instruments and clinical operations, but it was times when she was in the grocery store, buying milk and eggs, that took her by surprise. Why was she thinking about it now when she didn't have to?

Still, she didn't regret going through with it, but she regretted that it had even come to that.

Going through an abortion had raised many questions about what would happen in the future–would she want children? What if she couldn't even have children anymore?–things she'd never really thought about with this much intensity.

Before, she hadn't really known how to feel about it; her mind had been open to whatever would come, depending on the situation. But now she was chased by the thoughts, almost as if knowing the answers to them was the key to her feeling more like her new self.

She hadn't talked to Caleb after seeing him at the loft on the day of the operation, but it felt like they needed to get some space between them anyway to figure themselves out. He had his part to deal with; she had hers. They weren't the same story, and it wasn't a good idea to try to fit those two narratives together right now.

* * *

When she'd been cleared by the clinician after her four week follow-up pelvic exam, Cassandra had the need to talk to someone even though she didn't normally talk about these kind of things to anyone, not even to Amy, who'd kindly offered to listen. Her friend had been sweet to do that, but Cassandra didn't feel like talking to her, just because of herself and not because of anything that had to do with Amy.

When she was getting dressed and the clinician was writing down her information, something came out of her mouth. "Do you think I'm less of a woman for not wanting children?"

The clinician turned around in her seat and marveled at the question. "No."

"So, it's not wrong for me to be a woman who doesn't want kids?" Cassandra asked, carrying this shame with her as she presented the discovery she'd made on her own.

"The way I see it," the clinician began, "being a mother, whether it's biologically or other ways, is an extension of womanhood, not its definition. Everyone makes the choice to be a mother. Not every woman has to want it or be it, but she can still be just as much of a woman as women with children are."

"Yeah, that makes sense," Cassandra said, thinking about it.

Lately, she'd thought about women who would have wanted to be mothers but couldn't give birth and how they could still be as much of a mother as those who could give birth when or if they adopted or fostered a child. And sometimes a decision to adopt or foster didn't even have to do with the fact that a woman couldn't have children, as was the case with Lou and Georgie. She'd seen how much Georgie loved Lou and how Lou had made sure Georgie would feel part of the family in every way possible.

Cassandra had also thought about women who'd given birth but refused to look after their children. She could name a few people from her past who were living as "a mother" who'd then completely forgotten their responsibilities as a parent and in the process had given up their title.

Both types of women had made choices one way or another. The title of a mother was sometimes something you earned and sometimes something you decided for yourself.

"I guess that's just feels where I'm at now and… it kind of scared me to realize that. I was… ashamed, or something," she confessed.

"Being a mother is a role that society likes to place on nearly every woman, but that doesn't mean we have to listen to what other people think. In the end, our lives are for us to decide," the clinician said. "Maybe you'll feel differently later; maybe you won't. But you shouldn't have to stress about it. The only standards you have to live up to are your own, and even they can change sometimes. Just do what feels best for you right now."

"Thank you," Cassandra said, feeling relieved. "It feels to good to hear someone say that."

The clinician smiled at her. "I feel like we don't say it enough to women. But we should."

* * *

Eventually, way after her body had gotten stronger, Cassandra was beginning to feel stronger mentally as well.

What she had found to be sort of a gateway into something new was when Amy had announced some weeks later that she was expecting. For the first time since the operation and almost surprisingly, Cassandra wasn't thinking about her own experience but was more focused on Amy's. Even if she didn't find motherhood something she wanted for herself, she could still feel happy for other people about their situation.

And when she finally saw Caleb holding Ty and Amy's baby in his arms, she knew this was a role for Caleb, only that it wasn't with her. She didn't want to force Caleb to be childless because of her own wishes, and it wouldn't be fair of him to expect her to change her mind either, so it was better they'd gone their separate ways. No matter how much you loved someone, being together wasn't always the best option.

After all, the way everyone chose to live their lives was their decision.

THE END


End file.
